CRUDE Lubes New Oilins
Dr. Jane Lube-chenko, Chief of the Dept. of No Organization At All (NOAA), today reversed several prior reversals and confirmed that oil from the Deepwater Horizon incident had, in fact been spotted, along with several other unidentified toxic substances, on the bottoms of tourists’ shoes in the French Quarter. Dr. Lube-chenko said “Earlier attempts at identifying the source of the oil had been frustrated when tourists refused to answer researchers’ questions about ‘Where’d dey get dem shoes?”.
Former BP CEO Tony Haywired, reached aboard his yacht Junqueshot,acknowledged “There might be a wee bit of oil,” then, employing Ninja skills learned at the oil giant’s Tokyo office, threw down a smoke bomb and disappeared.
The effects of the oil on sea life are still being studied. Of particular interest to male researchers at the Institute of Marine Mammography is the recent appearance of oiled mermaids in the northern Gulf of Mexico. "These animals are extremely endangered. There are very few left, and this year we've had twice as many expose themselves than in previous years," said IMM Executive Director Dr. Steve Zizou. We believe they are ranging beyond their normal habitat in south Florida in search of their natural food source, the Slippery Dick.[1] IMM attracted hundreds of volunteers to aid in the delicate job of cleaning these creatures.
Dr. Zizou confirmed that several other mutated species had been observed, including Petroleum Jellyfish, Blackened Amberjack, CRUDE Tuna, Sardines in oil, 40-Weight Sharks, and Hydrocarbonated Tube Worms. He noted that many of these creatures will likely be observed during their annual nocturnal migration on February 19, 2011.
Following the announcement, Plaquemines Parish President Billy Secondguesser rushed to hold a press conference next to an oil stain found on the street near his house. “I told all those pointy-headed scientists we shudda built dat berm,” Secondguesser said. “We shudda built a berm around LSU first, though, to keep all those scientists from confusin’ people with facts. It’s the damn Corps’ fault.” Secondguesser seemed nonplussed when it was pointed out to him that the oil patch that had been the scene of numerous press conferences had in fact leaked out of a 1989 Ford F-150 that had been parked there days before. Actor Kevin Costner quickly volunteered to clean up the spill and flew over the site in a specially modified C-130 Hercules dropping several tons of kitty litter on it and burying Mr. Secondguesser in the process.
Meanwhile, Gov. Bobby Jindal was attending a Republican fund raising dinner hosted by the Strap-on Tool Company of Sheboygan,Wisconsin, and could not be reached for comment. Mr. Jindal was being honored as “Tool of the Year.”
[1] Yes, that’s the actual name of a fish. Get your head out of the gutter.
Former BP CEO Tony Haywired, reached aboard his yacht Junqueshot,acknowledged “There might be a wee bit of oil,” then, employing Ninja skills learned at the oil giant’s Tokyo office, threw down a smoke bomb and disappeared.
The effects of the oil on sea life are still being studied. Of particular interest to male researchers at the Institute of Marine Mammography is the recent appearance of oiled mermaids in the northern Gulf of Mexico. "These animals are extremely endangered. There are very few left, and this year we've had twice as many expose themselves than in previous years," said IMM Executive Director Dr. Steve Zizou. We believe they are ranging beyond their normal habitat in south Florida in search of their natural food source, the Slippery Dick.[1] IMM attracted hundreds of volunteers to aid in the delicate job of cleaning these creatures.
Dr. Zizou confirmed that several other mutated species had been observed, including Petroleum Jellyfish, Blackened Amberjack, CRUDE Tuna, Sardines in oil, 40-Weight Sharks, and Hydrocarbonated Tube Worms. He noted that many of these creatures will likely be observed during their annual nocturnal migration on February 19, 2011.
Following the announcement, Plaquemines Parish President Billy Secondguesser rushed to hold a press conference next to an oil stain found on the street near his house. “I told all those pointy-headed scientists we shudda built dat berm,” Secondguesser said. “We shudda built a berm around LSU first, though, to keep all those scientists from confusin’ people with facts. It’s the damn Corps’ fault.” Secondguesser seemed nonplussed when it was pointed out to him that the oil patch that had been the scene of numerous press conferences had in fact leaked out of a 1989 Ford F-150 that had been parked there days before. Actor Kevin Costner quickly volunteered to clean up the spill and flew over the site in a specially modified C-130 Hercules dropping several tons of kitty litter on it and burying Mr. Secondguesser in the process.
Meanwhile, Gov. Bobby Jindal was attending a Republican fund raising dinner hosted by the Strap-on Tool Company of Sheboygan,Wisconsin, and could not be reached for comment. Mr. Jindal was being honored as “Tool of the Year.”
[1] Yes, that’s the actual name of a fish. Get your head out of the gutter.
