The Idiot’s Guide to the KdV Parade – 2012 End of the World Edition
THIS IS IMPORTANT; READ IT CAREFULLY OR DIE!
When is the KdV Parade?
The Parade is on Saturday, February 4, 2012
I’ve been in this parade before, why should I read this crap?
On the same theory that one should never return to the scene of a crime, just about everything is different once again this year. If you want to go to last years’ parade start or try to party at the State Palace or the SDT Warehouse, go right ahead. We could use a good laugh at your expense.
Where does it go?
The parade starts and ends at the same place, 2830 Royal St. between St Ferdinand St and Press Streets by the railroad tracks. (This is the Habitat for Humanity Restore warehouse).
A map of the route is on the Krewe du Vieux web site at www.kreweduvieux.org.
When does the parade start?
The parade starts at 6:30 PM sharp. We should get back to the end at around 9:00 to 10:00 pm.
When should I get to the Den of Muses?
Don’t go there, dammit!
Then where the hell should I go? I’m so confused!
Man, you’re dense. Once again, the parade will assemble at 2830 Royal St. between St Ferdinand St and Press Streets by the railroad tracks. You can’t miss it. Krewes will wait inside until it is time to join the float, which will be parked outside.
OK, fine, when should I be there?
There will be a pre-parade party between 4:00 and 6:00 PM Saturday. Please do not come any earlier than 4:00, but arrive in plenty of time to get a beer, look at the costumes, take pictures, and get your wristband.
There are 900+ people in the Krewe du Vieux, most of whom are in various stages of drunkenness, to try to get organized, which is no easy feat. Most importantly, you need to get your wrist band from your krewe captains. Give your captains a break and show up early so we can get you your wrist band well before we’re supposed to line up behind the float. There will be a bar serving FREE BEER to get you in the mood.
Why do I need a wrist band?
The wrist band is your ticket for the Ball. It also admits you into the reserved Krewe area and gives you access to the FREE beer and set ups at the special krewe bar.
What happens if I don’t get a wrist band or lose it?
You are completely fucked and we keep your money and drink your share of the beer.
Can I park near the parade?
Parking may be a challenge. Do NOT park along the parade route as cars WILL BE TOWED. Arranging alternative transportation, such as a cab, would be an even better idea.
How do I find my krewe at the ball site?
We will have a table inside to congregate. If you can bring some food to share, that would be great!
The mules are adorable and remind me of a night club act I saw once in Matamoros. Can I pet them?.
Mules are large, dangerous beasts with tempers only slightly less short than your krewe captains. There is a reason CRUDE has elected not to use mules. Each mule comes with their own handler. Ask them before approaching the mule, since they’ll likely know what sort of mood they’re in. DO NOT EVER WALK BEHIND THE MULES. Mules have been known to kick and can potentially kill you with a well placed kick to the noggin. Treat them with respect and approach with caution!
Should I get drunk as a skunk before the parade?
OK, I ignored my own advice a couple of years ago and lived to regret it. The parade is only half of the fun. We have actually had to put people in a cab before the parade even started ‘cause they were falling down drunk. Don’t let this happen to you, because we will make fun of you and put your picture on the web after you’ve thrown up on yourself. Being co-captain was the only way I avoided this shame. Drink plenty of water and make sure you have something to eat. Don’t overdo it early or you won’t enjoy yourself later on. There will be plenty of opportunities to get shit-faced so you might as well postpone it until later.
What should I bring to throw?
This ain’t Endymion. Don’t bring more than you can physically carry. Guys can usually lug about 2 cases of beads. Girls, being smarter, usually carry less. If you carry beads, a sturdy canvas shoulder bag works well. There is also the bandolier style using a luggage strap across the shoulder with beads separated into lots of about a dozen and wrapped with a heavy paper band and stapled to the strap. Hint: Individually packaged beads are MUCH easier to deal with. Beads with medallions will get hopelessly tangled. Proper bead management is the key to a worry-free parade experience. Flower canes, garters, and other light things are also good.
Can I store throws on the float?
There is no room on the float for peoples’ throws, particularly now that we have moving figures on the front. Just don’t worry about carrying a ton o’ shit and relax and enjoy yourself.
I am obsessively generous and want to throw a ton o’ shit. What about a shopping cart full of beads? Wouldn’t that be great?
That, my friend, is a recipe for disaster. People (including myself) have tried shopping carts, golfbag carts, luggage carts, wheeled ice chests and wagons. Anything with small wheels will not make it over the streets in the Quarter. At some points everyone will either get bunched up or have to go single file through the crowd lining the street, at which point people are tripping over your shit and cursing your name. Believe me, if you bring anything like this, you will live to regret it only slightly less than if you were to lose your wrist band.
Well, if I can’t load all my crap on the float, where can I put all the stuff I might want to have with me when I get to the ball site (dry clothes if it threatens rain, munchies, a bottle of booze, condoms, etc.)?
Since we leave from and return to the same place, you can just leave it before the parade starts. The ball site will be open from 10:00 until Noon on Saturday for you to drop your shit off. The area should be fairly secure. Although I don’t know that I’d leave that $4,000 Canon EOS digital camera, most things you can afford to lose should be safe. I would not leave anything you can’t live without. Some of those other krewes look pretty sketchy.
Where do I go when I get back to the Ball site with the parade?
Follow all your fellow Krewe members into the ball site. DO NOT TRY TO GO IN THE BAND ENTRANCE! Go back to where you started. There is a bar serving free beer and set ups and reasonably priced drinks. Have a drink, relax, get something to eat and then go to the dance floor and dance your ass off.
Will I be able to get my non-krewe friends into the Ball?
Tickets this year were extremely limited because of the size of the ball site and last year’s over-crowding. If you haven’t scored a ticket from your captain by now, fuggedaboutit!
Will I be able to get all of my friends to the Krewe area at the ball?
Absolutely not! We all paid for this privilege and sneaking your cheap-ass buds in to drink our beer is not acceptable. You and your friends will be ‘bout as welcome as a fart in a space suit.
Anything else I need to know?
Unlike the stuffy, bourgeois krewes, we don’t have paid flunkies to clean up after ourselves in the neighborhoods we parade through. Please be mindful we are passing in front of peoples’ homes and dispose of your trash in an environmentally respectful manner.
I know there’s something you’re not telling us.
Well, since you asked . . .being egalitarian 99 percenters, we have to clean up the ball site ourselves. Your assistance will be critical to guaranteeing the future goodwill of our hosts. Please show up at the ball site at 10AM to help with the clean-up. Bloody Marys are generally provided.
**
When is the KdV Parade?
The Parade is on Saturday, February 4, 2012
I’ve been in this parade before, why should I read this crap?
On the same theory that one should never return to the scene of a crime, just about everything is different once again this year. If you want to go to last years’ parade start or try to party at the State Palace or the SDT Warehouse, go right ahead. We could use a good laugh at your expense.
Where does it go?
The parade starts and ends at the same place, 2830 Royal St. between St Ferdinand St and Press Streets by the railroad tracks. (This is the Habitat for Humanity Restore warehouse).
A map of the route is on the Krewe du Vieux web site at www.kreweduvieux.org.
When does the parade start?
The parade starts at 6:30 PM sharp. We should get back to the end at around 9:00 to 10:00 pm.
When should I get to the Den of Muses?
Don’t go there, dammit!
Then where the hell should I go? I’m so confused!
Man, you’re dense. Once again, the parade will assemble at 2830 Royal St. between St Ferdinand St and Press Streets by the railroad tracks. You can’t miss it. Krewes will wait inside until it is time to join the float, which will be parked outside.
OK, fine, when should I be there?
There will be a pre-parade party between 4:00 and 6:00 PM Saturday. Please do not come any earlier than 4:00, but arrive in plenty of time to get a beer, look at the costumes, take pictures, and get your wristband.
There are 900+ people in the Krewe du Vieux, most of whom are in various stages of drunkenness, to try to get organized, which is no easy feat. Most importantly, you need to get your wrist band from your krewe captains. Give your captains a break and show up early so we can get you your wrist band well before we’re supposed to line up behind the float. There will be a bar serving FREE BEER to get you in the mood.
Why do I need a wrist band?
The wrist band is your ticket for the Ball. It also admits you into the reserved Krewe area and gives you access to the FREE beer and set ups at the special krewe bar.
What happens if I don’t get a wrist band or lose it?
You are completely fucked and we keep your money and drink your share of the beer.
Can I park near the parade?
Parking may be a challenge. Do NOT park along the parade route as cars WILL BE TOWED. Arranging alternative transportation, such as a cab, would be an even better idea.
How do I find my krewe at the ball site?
We will have a table inside to congregate. If you can bring some food to share, that would be great!
The mules are adorable and remind me of a night club act I saw once in Matamoros. Can I pet them?.
Mules are large, dangerous beasts with tempers only slightly less short than your krewe captains. There is a reason CRUDE has elected not to use mules. Each mule comes with their own handler. Ask them before approaching the mule, since they’ll likely know what sort of mood they’re in. DO NOT EVER WALK BEHIND THE MULES. Mules have been known to kick and can potentially kill you with a well placed kick to the noggin. Treat them with respect and approach with caution!
Should I get drunk as a skunk before the parade?
OK, I ignored my own advice a couple of years ago and lived to regret it. The parade is only half of the fun. We have actually had to put people in a cab before the parade even started ‘cause they were falling down drunk. Don’t let this happen to you, because we will make fun of you and put your picture on the web after you’ve thrown up on yourself. Being co-captain was the only way I avoided this shame. Drink plenty of water and make sure you have something to eat. Don’t overdo it early or you won’t enjoy yourself later on. There will be plenty of opportunities to get shit-faced so you might as well postpone it until later.
What should I bring to throw?
This ain’t Endymion. Don’t bring more than you can physically carry. Guys can usually lug about 2 cases of beads. Girls, being smarter, usually carry less. If you carry beads, a sturdy canvas shoulder bag works well. There is also the bandolier style using a luggage strap across the shoulder with beads separated into lots of about a dozen and wrapped with a heavy paper band and stapled to the strap. Hint: Individually packaged beads are MUCH easier to deal with. Beads with medallions will get hopelessly tangled. Proper bead management is the key to a worry-free parade experience. Flower canes, garters, and other light things are also good.
Can I store throws on the float?
There is no room on the float for peoples’ throws, particularly now that we have moving figures on the front. Just don’t worry about carrying a ton o’ shit and relax and enjoy yourself.
I am obsessively generous and want to throw a ton o’ shit. What about a shopping cart full of beads? Wouldn’t that be great?
That, my friend, is a recipe for disaster. People (including myself) have tried shopping carts, golfbag carts, luggage carts, wheeled ice chests and wagons. Anything with small wheels will not make it over the streets in the Quarter. At some points everyone will either get bunched up or have to go single file through the crowd lining the street, at which point people are tripping over your shit and cursing your name. Believe me, if you bring anything like this, you will live to regret it only slightly less than if you were to lose your wrist band.
Well, if I can’t load all my crap on the float, where can I put all the stuff I might want to have with me when I get to the ball site (dry clothes if it threatens rain, munchies, a bottle of booze, condoms, etc.)?
Since we leave from and return to the same place, you can just leave it before the parade starts. The ball site will be open from 10:00 until Noon on Saturday for you to drop your shit off. The area should be fairly secure. Although I don’t know that I’d leave that $4,000 Canon EOS digital camera, most things you can afford to lose should be safe. I would not leave anything you can’t live without. Some of those other krewes look pretty sketchy.
Where do I go when I get back to the Ball site with the parade?
Follow all your fellow Krewe members into the ball site. DO NOT TRY TO GO IN THE BAND ENTRANCE! Go back to where you started. There is a bar serving free beer and set ups and reasonably priced drinks. Have a drink, relax, get something to eat and then go to the dance floor and dance your ass off.
Will I be able to get my non-krewe friends into the Ball?
Tickets this year were extremely limited because of the size of the ball site and last year’s over-crowding. If you haven’t scored a ticket from your captain by now, fuggedaboutit!
Will I be able to get all of my friends to the Krewe area at the ball?
Absolutely not! We all paid for this privilege and sneaking your cheap-ass buds in to drink our beer is not acceptable. You and your friends will be ‘bout as welcome as a fart in a space suit.
Anything else I need to know?
Unlike the stuffy, bourgeois krewes, we don’t have paid flunkies to clean up after ourselves in the neighborhoods we parade through. Please be mindful we are passing in front of peoples’ homes and dispose of your trash in an environmentally respectful manner.
I know there’s something you’re not telling us.
Well, since you asked . . .being egalitarian 99 percenters, we have to clean up the ball site ourselves. Your assistance will be critical to guaranteeing the future goodwill of our hosts. Please show up at the ball site at 10AM to help with the clean-up. Bloody Marys are generally provided.
**
